Clare Bedford Sinks Her Teeth Into The Entire Cabbage

Clare Belford’s The Entire Cabbage. Recorded live in Charlottetown, PEI, at Trailside Music Hall (April 2021). Released by Comedy Records.

“We are so lucky to do stuff like this,” Clare Belford says to a sold-out crowd in Charlottetown. “I was in Toronto for the first wave — of the pandemic, in case you were wondering.” The comedian talks about quarantine making people horny, herself included. A few moments later, that’s it for pandemic talk in Belford’s debut comedy album, The Entire Cabbage

If you follow the blog, you might recognize Belford’s name from my interview with Dena Jackson. In that interview, Jackson spoke about her comedy tour Road Broads, postponed due to the pandemic. The tour would have seen Jackson and Belford perform across Western Canada.

A year later, Belford is back on stage and no longer a resident of Toronto. The comedian calls Prince Edward Island home now.  “I moved to Toronto six years ago from Alberta to pursue my stand-up comedy dreams — which is why you all know who I am.” That’s right, Maritime readers, there’s a chance you could see Belford perform live in your town.

Which I think is awesome because Clare Belford is some fuckin’ funny, man.

The Entire Cabbage serves up the mundane as seen through the eyes of a walking, talking, “skatepark” who worries a lot about divorce, despite not being married. 

I could listen to Belford talk all day about riding the bus in Toronto. So, she finds puke on the bus, and now there’s a dilemma. Does she tell the bus driver? “He’s going to be like — yeah, lady, there’s puke back there. This is the bus.” Her delivery is so good. It’s like we are all standing outside in a circle wearing flannel, and Belford is smoking, telling this story about public transit. Everyone’s laughing. A car passes by, and we wave at them. We don’t know who they are. It’s just polite to wave.

And the whole thing about someone sharing her name? “Everyone started calling her Little Clare. So, I’m Big Clare? Don’t love that.” Hilarious.

Now, there are a few weaker points in the album. I listened to the album four times — twice during a heat wave, then twice more when my brain wasn’t melting from the heat. I can tell you that I stopped listening intently during the same parts. I can also tell you that the same laugh-out-loud parts made me laugh out loud again. “When I’m really trying my best to flirt, I sound a lot like an old stubborn horse. Pfft. You’re so funny. Pfft.”

I think you should listen to The Entire Cabbage. Some parts may not hit, but the parts that do? Deliciously funny. Belford is very cool and super chill, “I do de-Clare.” Her writing is clever, with wordplay and callbacks, and sometimes strange. It’s fun when she gets animated and puts on a voice. You can visualize it in your head. Her delivery is so smooth. I think watching Belford perform live would be awesome, which is why the Maritimes are lucky to have her. If she comes to your area, buy a ticket. I’ll see you there.

Clare Belford’s The Entire Cabbage is available now on streaming platforms.

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